Mixed feelings re: 9/11

The entire mediascape is brimming with messages about remembrances of the tenth anniversary of September 11, 2001.

I have a variety of feelings and opinions about all this, and I kind of don't know how to sort through them.

On the actual day, I was a mess with the tears and fear.  Unlike so many of my friends, I didn't know a single person who died, so I wasn't personally affected, but I, like the rest of the country, was bereft.

Today, I keep crying thinking of all the people who died -- and all the people who love the people who died who have to make it through every single day without them. 

And I'm balancing that with feeling really disappointed in our leaders and how our country has changed in the last 10 years. 

I was really uncomfortable with the blind jingoism that directly followed the attack.  The people who waved the flag around all the goddamned time -- and couldn't follow the rules for displaying it -- burned my ass in a big way (and they still do, especially the flags that tucked into the car doors that waved as you drove and got filthy and tattered in short order).  And the erosion of civil liberties -- especially for people who aren't white -- enrages me (Dave Eggers' Zeitoun contains but one example of what I'm talking about).  And the part where my tax dollars are funding multiple wars that are killing thousands of our soldiers and untold thousands of innocent victims in theater makes me so sad that I have to pretend it's not happening so I can keep going on (we were attacked by exactly 0 Iraqis and 0 Afghanis, but we just can't seem to disengage in wars with "insurgents" in those countries).

This is a hard situation.  I have to hand it to Hilary Price, who totally nailed it today.  So many mixed emotions.  What can we do but howl?

People say the darndest things

I don't want this to become the Ann-Podolske-is-dead-now blog, but she is and it's what I'm thinking of a lot of the time, so I can't help writing about it.

Two different people have said to me that they think Ann's death is a true love story. She really died of a broken heart, see. What bullshit. While it's true that Ann and Linda loved each other very much, there is no amount of broken heart that can give a person cancer.

Ann really wanted to live. She said so herself. Obviously, these people just don't know. But even so, I can't imagine saying something so douche-y to people in mourning.

When the first person said it, I was so taken aback, I couldn't say anything. The second one was just today and I responded with perhaps too much vigor. "A broken heart can't give you cancer!" I snapped. And the person sort of stopped talking. And then it was awkward.

I've had days where I've been sad but have been able to keep it together, and then others when I've been a total mess. My colleagues and friends understand and have been great. I guess my main problem is that I've never had a close friend die - or even a friend - and I don't know how to deal with it. A few people have died on my periphery. I've got two dead grandpas who were old and sick. I've considered a few people dead to me. But never this.

I was talking today with a colleague who lost a friend in high school. And while I don't wish I'd lost a friend in high school, if something like that had happened, I might be better prepared for this loss.

But nothing could have prepared me for losing Ann, so there's that.