Saturday, August 16, 2008


My new orthotics seem to be helping. I'm not over the bastard plantar fasciitis yet or anything, so it's not time to have a party over it, but I think there's a good chance I'm on the right track.

I think when it's finally over, though, I really will have a party. I can't think of a better reason to celebrate than a return to good health.

Here's hoping it's sooner rather than later.

Some neighborhood hoodlums broke a window in our house. It was a giant ruckus and basically terrible. Mostly for reasons that had nothing to do with the window breaking and everything to do with Scott running after the children who did it and then not coming back or calling me for nearly an hour while I imagined the group of them pushing him down and kicking him in the head and leaving him dead in a ditch.

I'll say this: Scott runs like a gazelle. He's in great shape and he caught up with those kids before they even knew what hit them. I think the children know now that they can't fuck with us, because if they do, Scott will chase them and then talk with them about why they broke our window, while they all claim they had nothing to do with it (then why were they running away as soon as the window broke, pray?). Of course, we can't prove that any one of them was the one that broke it, so even though we made a report, basically the cops can't do anything. So frustrating!

Those fucking kids are ballsy, though. They did it while we were right there! Sweet god.

I bought us new cell phones (I got the black one; the Count got purple). They're much fancier than our old cell phones. I also bought myself a blue tooth device called Jawbone, which is apparently the top of the line. Now I get to walk around like one of those assholes with a bluetooth device in my ear in public. Don't worry. I'm not going to be that guy. I totally promise. I only got it because I sometimes have to be on conference calls for work and it's hard to be on the phone for an hour on a cell phone without hurting my arm, neck and ear. I'm just a human.

They sure do soak you for this bullshit. However, unlike basically everyone else in America, we sent in our rebate forms, so they're giving us some cash-money back.

It was really time for me to get a new one. I'd had my old one for three or more years. Upon my telling her that I got a new cell phone, my old carpool-mate at work pretended to lift up something very heavy, held it to her ear and said, "Hi, I'm Jennifer Myszkowski answering my phone."

Everyone is a comedian.

Story Corps is coming to the Basketball Hall of Fame. I really want to go and interview my dad about this story - either that or I want to interview my sister about, well, everything - either that or I want to haul No-legs down there and interview him about his role in the printing union in the '40s and '50s or accidentally setting off the alarm in San Francisco when he was on night watch during WWII - either that or I can think of about a hundred other topics/people to interview. I only wish I could do it all.

This is my favorite time of year, when it's still warm during the day, but it gets really cool at night and I can sleep with a blanket. It's supposed to be sunny and lovely this weekend, so I'm really excited about everything going on. It's about the busiest weekend of the summer for us so far.

I must spirit myself away to prepare.

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Saturday, August 9, 2008

Raising the bar

Our housewarming party is on September 7. It's going to be an awesome time. The Primate Fiasco will be playing in our yard while I serve up hot pancakes for our guests. The party is called Primates and Pancakes.

Is that the best name of a party ever?

I don't think I'll ever have another party as cool as this one is going to be.

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Baby got a new pair of orthotics

I had a visit with the Foot Whisperer, a.k.a. Mark Fournier and Fournier Foot Care in Northampton yesterday. It's the bastard plantar fasciitis. It's dogging me at every turn! I can't seem to get better for real. I get sort of better-ish, then I try to cut back on the anti-inflammatory and I'm back at square one.

That's not how a person gets better from something.

On top of that, it was seeming like the painful foot massage was no longer helping - and was in fact hurting.

Suddenly, I was floundering around on the deck, not sure what to do next.

I decided to go back to my acupuncturist. I've had a couple sessions. We talked together about what to do next. She was looking at my feet and noticed these weird callouses I've developed because of the orthotic I got from my podiatrist. She said that she didn't think an orthotic that fit me should put callouses all over my feet.

Funny, because when I first got the orthotics and was feeling uncomfortable about the callouses, my podiatrist gave me a cock and bull story about how sometimes people get callouses from orthotics.

So I made an appointment with Mark and saw him yesterday. He said callouses are from rubbing, and a person's foot should not be rubbing their orthotic. If it's rubbing, it's not supporting. He took my orthotics and said he was going to try to modify them to work better, but as soon as he started taking them apart, he came back to me.

He said that he couldn't really fix them because they were basically all wrong. He wanted to make me a new one.

Secretly, that's what I wanted too.

To fit me for an orthotic, my podiatrist took a plaster cast of my foot and that was that. Mark made me stand in this contraption and looked at how I stood, looked at the alignment of my knees, back, everything. He took an impression of my foot and said, "Come back tomorrow."

Less than 24 hours later, I'm in a new orthotic. As soon as I put it on, I noticed a real difference and one of the near-constant pains in my foot seemed to subside. Immediately. Of course, other parts of my foot are feeling the pinch right now; getting used to a new orthotic always takes a little while and can be a little uncomfortable. Mark and his partner Les told me that if I wasn't seeing a distinct reduction in pain in two weeks to come back and they'd make adjustments.

I'm hoping that I never see them again. Not because I don't like them, because I like them both very much. I just want this motherfucking, bastard plantar fasciitis the hell out of my life.

Meanwhile, Mark carries shoes for giant lady feet. He's ordering some shoes that will fit me, and I won't be allowed to leave unless they do. Thank god, because those $130 shoes I bought several months back ended up not fitting me, but I didn't find out until I wore them three times, and so they were unreturnable.

Aside: Does anyone want a pair of these shoes in an 11WW?

Aside: I wish that when I started with the bastard plantar fasciitis that I had started a tally of exactly what I spent on it. I imagine that I'm close to $5,000 at this point. Motherfucking plantar fasciitis!

Anyway, I've got high hopes. Wish me luck. I'd like to be able to walk around like a normal person again soon and leave my gimpiness behind.

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Monday, August 4, 2008


After a discussion about the bastard plantar fasciitis and my enormous man feet...

Grandmother (looking at my feet): To me, your feet don't look that big.

Cousin Paul: Grandma, the bottoms of her shoes look like tires!

Everyone: Laughter.

And scene!

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