Saturday, August 15, 2009

Smarts

I know I'm all inspiration and everything with my hope for the future, but you should know I'm having a very hard time right now - crying by accident in public, on conference calls, etc. In short, I'm becoming the person you've known and loved for some time, but that corporate American has only heard tell of.

The first couple days post-canning were basically awesome. Yeah, I was getting the can, but everyone loved me! Yeah, I was sad, but I was surrounded by people speaking superlatively of me! I felt really hopeful and excited! A few days in though, everyone had said all they could say and I was forced to reckon with the painful reality.

Oh, the painful reality. It smarts so!

I think all the kind words from my colleagues sort of covered up the part where I'm wounded right now. My pride is hurt. I was working really hard and facts are facts: What's happened feels really bad.

Also, I get a lot of self-esteem from my work. Even though, in my heart of hearts, I know my colleagues value my work, there's a pretty big part of me that doesn't feel very valued. Man, this is fucking hard!

Whenever there's a decision to be made, my mother always says, "Go with your peace." I.e., Do whatever thing feels peaceful, not fearful or anxious. When I think of all my options, there's only one that I have any peace about. I think the Universe is pointing the way.

More to come when I know for sure.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Holly said...

Arg. I so know how you feel. I'll keep my eyes peeled on your behalf--you're right about the universe leading you where you need to go. :)

August 17, 2009 at 5:44 PM  
Anonymous Marilyn in Florida said...

Every step forward means saying goodbye to what's comfortable. But it'll all work out!

:-)

August 17, 2009 at 11:12 PM  
Blogger Kelsey said...

What? What? What? What is it? I can't take the anticipation.

But in the meantime, I'll be visualizing from my end.

August 18, 2009 at 3:26 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Myszkowski said...

Oh, I'm moving forward all right!

I am not interested in revealing my next move until I've sewn up loose ends elsewhere.

You understand.

August 18, 2009 at 8:49 PM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Jeepers, I don't have much to offer. Well, correction, I have a lot to offer, but on this particular matter I don't have anything gainful to offer. As you know you are always welcome to come up to Vermont and perform in shows in Montpelier or Winooski, but the distance/cost/time may not be compensated by the unpredictable pay. But, know that you're always welcome and invited, and I'll continue to try to think.

August 18, 2009 at 10:37 PM  

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