Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What's new in the neighborhood?

Well, we bought a car. For the last year and a half, we've been driving a free car from Scott's parents, but the lease will be up on it soon and we needed to make a move. So we made one. There's a shiny, used 2004 Hyundai Accent taking up space in our driveway now. I'm a little bit not excited about it because it's nothing like the lap of luxury we've been sitting in for the last year and a half, but it's a much smarter car for us: small, low miles, excellent mileage, etc. And yet, I admit I will miss having heated seats.

Scott hates heated seats so he will be unaffected by this one part of our new car. He says sitting in a heated seat is like sitting in a seat that's been pre-farted. I can see his point, certainly; I just don't agree.

In case you'd like to stalk us, our new car is light blue.

With the snow melting, we're finding all the dog turds that one of our asshole neighbors has been letting his dog leave in our tree belt and on our sidewalk. Give me a break! We think we know who it is, but we haven't seen any deuce-dropping in action. If we don't catch them in the act and keep a photographic record, the police can't do anything about it. We only know this because our neighbor called the cops about it when they were hitting her yard.

All we can say for certain from looking at the specimen is that it's a small dog. I think I'd just like to have a casual talk with the owner about dog turds and see if we couldn't come up with some sort of amicable resolution without involving the cops. I mean, the Holyoke police have bigger fish to fry than some stupid dog owner letting his dog lay cable in our yard.

That said, I found this customizable sign that I want to get and post on our fence. They print the message for you. I want it to say, "Please pick up your dog's turds." Do you think it might help, or do you think that it will make people throw dog shit over the fence and into our yard? I think it might help because it will show that we have a sense of humor. But they might laugh all the way home to get their catapault and then they might start launching. I'm a little bit sceered.

I also want to get a sign about litter. We're on a corner lot and the cross street is a major pass-through for teenagers and winos. I don't think we can stop the drunks from dropping the nip bottles, but I think we can stop the teenagers from dropping their gum and candy wrappers. Maybe I'm too optimistic. Scott goes out at least once a week and picks up all the trash on both sides of the street in our area. He can't stop giving.

Last summer, someone bought a box of drumsticks (you know, the ice creamy treat), ate them all, put the wrappers into the box and then threw the box over our fence. Talk about infuriating. If I knew who did it, I could probably have set fire to them with just my gaze. Hell, I was mad.

I think the main culprits in our war on litter might be the kids directly next door. I caught one littering over the summer - he threw a brownie wrapper and an ice cream pint right into our driveway - but faked I didn't know he was the litterer. I asked him if he saw anyone throwing trash into our yard. He said no. I asked him if I could count on him to help me keep the area litter free. He said I could. And we haven't had any actual litter in our driveway since, except for the kind that blows into the yard from someplace else.

I'm making it sound like we live in a trash heap. We don't.

Hey, remember Madame Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock?

I have an entire program of flowers and plants planned for the outside and inside of the fence though, to make it look less like a fortress and more like a friendly home. Maybe that will help.

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Blogger Nancy Little said...

Trevor is the neighborhood trash-picker-upper here in bustling West Hatfield. I admire him for his efforts and have actually been doing it myself, but only just recently.

March 11, 2009 at 7:20 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I was wondering if perhaps your grandmother nudged you and said it was about time you updated your blog.

One house in my neighborhood has a sign under the mailbox that says "please keep dogs off the grass." When I walk my dog past it, I duly tug Ozzie away from their lawn. But I can't help but think most peeps somehow take a little offense, like, what makes your grass so special? Not that its logical, it is just some sort of knee-jerk reaction.

Of course, I am the type that carries a little dispenser of biodegradable poop bags attached right to my leash. Obviously, not everybody does this.

March 11, 2009 at 9:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that may help, just don't put a sign on your fence like the one JenAdams noted. There's a house in our 'hood that has THREE of them on their front yard. Makes me want to poop there myself. (Not that I would, of course, but you know what I mean....)

Not logical either, as I have an abundance of plastic bags in the pocket of every coat I own. But still, you don't want to rile a dog owner who has such an obvious "weapon" at his/her disposal.

Maybe "Please pick up after your pup" would be friendlier still?

March 13, 2009 at 4:05 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Myszkowski said...

Ann, the idea of your milquetoast-y self pooping on your neighbor's lawn will bring me untold amounts of joy. Sweet god, that's funny!

Scott and I got ourselves good and tickled thinking about a Ghostbusters-style circle with a line through it over a steaming pile of feces. We'd need someone to design it for us, but we'd be happy to pay a nice local company to print that up for us on a proper aluminum sign.

Although I still want to post a sign that has the word turd in it.

March 13, 2009 at 4:12 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Myszkowski said...

For the record, I do not have anything against a dog going to the bathroom on our lawn, really. I mean, they have to go somewhere. I just have trouble with the people involved not picking it the hell up. You people with your bags in your pockets and what have you are leading by example.

Remind me to tell you sometime about the time my mother encouraged me to drop a bomb on someone's front lawn and how I instead went in my pants.

March 13, 2009 at 4:17 PM  
Blogger Nancy Natale said...

That reminds me of the time we lived in a large building in Somerville with assigned parking spots outside. Someone (a real tight-ass type) put a sign in her space that said, "Don't even think of parking here!!!". Every time Bonnie and I saw that sign, we would say, "I'm thinking. I'm thinking." and it became a perpetual joke that we still refer to today. Maybe you should get a sign that says, "Don't even think of not picking up your dog's turds if they land here." This is a much more refined approach, dontcha think?
Congrats on your new car. May you both drive in good health although with cold asses.

March 14, 2009 at 3:40 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I would think you'd have better luck with the winos than the teenagers. Just thinkin' s'all.

March 14, 2009 at 11:17 PM  

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